super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
