I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
