I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
