We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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