I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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