My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
