I think i peed on brittanys purse
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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