this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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