Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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