I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
