You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
