I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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