Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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