I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
