it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize