Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
