put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
