I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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