i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Randomize
