so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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