I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
