Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
