VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
