Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
