checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
