Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
