He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
