if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
