Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
