Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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