I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
