life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Be still, my beating vagina.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
