i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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