He uses pillows to masturbate.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
