She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
