so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize