I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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