We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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