I should be sponsored by Trojan
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
