Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
