He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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