I think I died a long time ago.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
