mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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