margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
