I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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