if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
