I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
