When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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