i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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