Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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