I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
