I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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