I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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