Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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