someone threw a dead crab at me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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