a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
