Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
