I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
