so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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