my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
well you can't waste a boner
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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