We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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